The Communication Conundrum

daniel jacob self
May 29, 2023
3 min read

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I'm self conscious

What is the point of this whole human being together thing?

I'm sitting opposite someone I love so dearly, who I know loves me so dearly. We've both been doing this whole communicating thing for quite some time. We've even studied it... together! And yet when I speak what they hear seems to be... something else.

Or else take this other loved one. Same situation: so much love, both of us really into the whole communicating thing, and we're sitting here opposite each other. And I can absolutely understand where they're coming from. I get it — truly — given their past, given their way of engaging with the world, the way their brain works...

I get it. It makes sense.

I also — get this — get where I'm coming from and my perspective, given everything I've experienced and my way of engaging and blah, blah, blah....

What's more, I can see the effort they're putting into understanding where I'm coming from. I'm putting a lot of effort into understanding where they're coming from.

We're doing great. We're doing communicating.

But all I want to do is give up...

I'm angry, I'm hurt. I feel hopeless because the truth is that both of us, understanding each other's perspectives doesn't take away the anger at the heart of the situation inside of me, which somehow feels tied into some fundamental umbrage I seem to be taking at the reality of... difference.

We are all different. These people I love so much who I connect with so deeply. Their needs, their experiences, their cognition and communication are all fundamentally unique— distinct from my own.

And for some, as yet unplumbed reason right now, that is really hurtful to me.

Okay. So let's hear it.

Why!?

Why is this particular inalienable truth bundled up as a part of the package deal of this plane of existence so fundamentally objectionable to me? It'd be a funny old world if we were all the same. I've heard it said they say. No, you know what it would be? Peaceful. It would be a world where we all got one another. All could just get along because we'd all want the same things in the same ways. All feel heard and understood and cared for by the same means... We'd all... just...

...I suppose it might take away from a lot of... I don't know... the point, I guess?

The point of the effort spent to truly understand — as best as we're able — where a distinct beloved individual is coming from.

It would take away the opportunity to experience that laughter when someone feels so seen. So connected to that they burst out laughing with the recognition of themselves in another's words.

I do really love that.

It's kind of what I've devoted my life to helping people feel, seen, heard, cared about, and validated in the specificity of their particular sphere of experience.

So why the vitriol?

Why this hurt manifesting as some dystopian dream of uniformity? I think it's because. On some level, I must feel as though I'm doing more of the understanding than the being understood. More of the witnessing than the being witnessed.

And beneath that... Behind it....

It's actually got nothing to do with anyone else. The end of that previous self - aggrieved complaint should be something like... "by myself."

I must feel as though I am doing more of the understanding of others than I'm doing of the understanding of myself. Witnessing others more than I'm witnessing me.

Okay, well that's something.

Because we sure do learn a lot sticking with it. Figuring out how to hear each other, how to honor our disparate needs from our disparate backgrounds and our disparate circumstances. It sure can lead to a pretty amazing expansion of consciousness, getting a glimpse into a totally different way, a totally different perspective than your own.

So maybe I just need to take a little time with myself to somehow see if I can manage to make _myself _laugh with recognition at how much I get me. To do all those little things in exactly the specific unique way that I love so very much, and to appreciate how good it feels cuz it's just my way. Maybe that'll open up just that much more room to embrace the wonder of the mystery of the person sitting across from me.

Wholly unique. Wholly themselves. With all their own little ways.

Just like me...